Letters to Kaiden
by Kodiak Sage
Summary: (F)Shepherd keeps up a correspondence with Kaiden through her journey in Mass Effect 2.


Letters to Kaidan

By Kodiak Rose

**A/N: This story has spoilers through the end of Mass Effect 2! I wrote this as I went along through my very first play through of ME2. My Shepard is a colonist/sole survivor/soldier.  
**

* * *

_(First week aboard the S2 Normandy, after talking to the Illusive man, before Horizon)_

To: Lieutenant K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaidan,

The last thing I remember was shoving Joker in an escape pod and then falling planetside, my air tubes whistling away to nothing as I gasped for breath. I just found out that I've been supposed dead for two years while I rotted, comatose, in a Cerberus laboratory. Cerberus! Those bastards brought me back to life, gave me a ship and a crew, and told me to save humanity. And I'm doing it, do you believe that? But don't worry, I don't trust them and I never will. I don't trust the people they put on my ship and I don't trust the AI they installed either. Cerberus wouldn't save humanity unless it meant that they could rule over humanity afterwards.

I want to see you. It seemed like I was holding my breath after I asked where you were, in case you had died. It's a dangerous galaxy, as I very well know. Where are you serving? What are you doing? Just tell me where you are and I'll fly to you.

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(Immediately after seeing Kaidan on Horizon, before receiving his message)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaidan,

I wish that we'd had more time to talk back on Horizon. I know that you thought that I was dead…but for me those two years were slept away like a single night. It seems like only a few months ago that we were…whatever we were.

Congratulations on making Commander. I know you deserve it and you'll be excellent at it. Trust your judgment, stay sharp, and surround yourself with good people.

You might not agree with the choices I made, but I couldn't do it any other way. I've investigated the other options personally and found out that the Alliance doesn't have the resources to devote to the collectors and the reapers, and the council doesn't have the common sense to see the threat that's right in front of them. Cerberus is a necessary evil, but I always feel like I'm being watched, and that I'm only one step away from being betrayed. At least with the Alliance I knew where I stood.

I've recruited a few good people to help me on this mission—people who trust Cerberus about as much as I do. You would get a kick out of Jack, who I freed from the slave ship Purgatory. She's a little unstable, but she's a hell of a powerful biotic. I even found Garrus and convinced him to jump back into saving humanity with me. It was so good to see a familiar face—even a scarred up Turian face. He and Tali are the only two of the old crew to join up with me, though Liara promised to help me from the sidelines if she can.

I wish that you were on my team Kaidan. I could use your gun and your common sense in the field, and your comfort in the night. I know that you are doing what you think is right, and I trust you. But don't be a stranger.

Keep yourself safe,

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(In response to Kaidan's letter about Horizon)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

RE: About Horizon…

Dear Kaidan,

You don't have to apologize for what you said or did. If I had been in your place I probably would have thought the same things, and I probably would have been even meaner about saying them than you were. Cerberus is scum, and maybe by joining them I'm scum too. I only do it with the knowledge that it's my only choice—the Reapers are out there and I will use whatever resources I can to fight them.

Believe me, Kaidan, that night we shared on Ilium meant a lot to me—even more than I let on to you, I'm sure. It's hard for me to show my feelings while I'm trying to play the stone cold soldier commander.

You're not the only one who has lost people. I don't know if I ever told you, but when I was a child my entire family and settlement on Mindoir were killed by Batarian slavers. After that, the Alliance was my family, but as you know, when I was stationed on an outpost in the colonies as a Commander I was one of only two survivors after a horrible Thresher-maw incident. And of course I haven't forgotten Ashley, and Wrex, and Jefferson.

All I want for you is to be safe happy, Kaidan. I realize now that that might mean you shouldn't be with me, as much as it breaks my heart to think that our first night together was our only night together. The one resource I don't mind not taking advantage of in this fight against the Reapers is-you. I don't know if I could drag you through that Omega Relay jump knowing what I know about our chances of returning.

But you're not a little boy—you're a grown man and an excellent soldier and I know that you can take care of yourself. I'll even say it Kaidan—I love you. That night was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I won't forget it.

Love,

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(Some Months Later)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaidan,

I'm taking your radio silence as a cue that you've moved on. You said something about a doctor when we talked on Horizon, and I can't get it out of my head.

Maybe it's better that you have moved on. Maybe I should move on too. As I get closer and closer to getting through that Omega Relay I realize that this time I could really be gone for good. I would rather you be happy than wait for me, not knowing. And Garrus… we've gotten closer over the past few months. He's someone I can count on to be there for me when I need him.

Nothing can replace you Kaidan, and I don't want anyone to replace you. I still love you and I want you, above all, to be safe and happy. If I make it back from the Relay I mean to take you away somewhere and prove to you, once and for all, that I love you.

Yours,

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(Immediately after visiting the crash site of the Normandy)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaiden,

I went to the Amanda System on General Hackett's orders to erect a memorial and collect the dogtags of those who went down with the Normandy. The crash has been on my mind lately. The Normandy fell apart around me, and then, as I was falling towards the planet I watched her die. Is it wrong that I was just as sad to lose my ship as my crew?

When I stood in the skeleton of what was once my home today, my fists overflowing with the dogtags of my dead friends—I didn't feel the closure that I had hoped for. Instead of saying goodbye to the Normandy and my fallen crew, I was wishing that I was sleeping peacefully among them.

Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to die. I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in as it is. But that peaceful graveyard, beautiful in the falling snow under a borealis sky, felt like where I belonged. Maybe Cerberus' biggest crime was in bringing me back at all.

This isn't an unfamiliar feeling to me, Kaidan. For years after my family was killed on Mindoir I wished that the pirates had taken me too. I thought that anything would be better than having to go on living without my mother and father and sister, my friends and teachers and cousins—everyone I had ever known in my life. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to have been rescued either.

There were even echoes of that sentiment after my team was killed on Akuze. When I studied the list of names on the mission report, I traced my own name at the bottom with my fingertips, half-wishing that I hadn't fought so hard to survive. Wondering what made me so special.

I wish you had been there today, or Garrus or Liara. I've been alone for too long. But above all Kaidan, don't worry about me. If life has taught me anything, it's how to survive. If it's possible to come back from the other side of the Omega Relay, you can bet your ass I'll do it.

Stay safe and remember the fallen,

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(Immediately following the Collector's abduction of the Normandy crew)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaiden,

Last time my ship was attacked by the collectors, most of the crew made it to safety but the body of the Normandy was obliterated. This time, the Normandy herself was okay (along with EDI and Joker) but every other living person who was on board was killed. I have the smallest of hopes that a few might have been taken by the collectors and can be recovered when we find them on the other side of the Omega relay…but even I know how far-fetched that is.

The ship is hollow and empty now without the blood of her people bustling about it. No one eats at the mess, no one curses in the engine rooms, no one snores so loud that we can hear it through the bulkheads.

Joker blamed me for leaving on my mission while the Normandy was vulnerable, but that's a dangerous slope. If I blamed myself for the death of every person close to me who ever died I wouldn't be able to keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe that makes me a cold-hearted bitch, but that's just the way it has to be. Doctor Chakwas told me that she expected to die in the line of duty—it was worth it to have spent her life in space, doing something that mattered. But a lot of the crew, Cerberus or not, were just kids starting their life in any way they could. I got to know them, for better or for worse, like I got to know the people who wore all those dogtags I collected at the SR1 crash site. They won't be forgotten.

Before this, I occasionally daydreamed about signaling you on the com and plotting a course to some out-of-the-way planet with a gorgeous white-sand beach where we could while away the hours until the reapers come in peace. I imagined that we could forget about our responsibilities and let someone else save the galaxy this time—isn't dying in the line of duty once good enough?

But now… my resolve to kill the reapers is stronger than ever now. I mean to finish them off, even if it's the last thing I ever do. I wish that I had better news Kaidan, but like I said earlier, this is the way it has to be.

Yours,

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(Immediately following the Shadow Broker Mission)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaidan,

I don't know if you've kept in touch with any of the old crew, but I ran into Liara today and thought I'd tell you hello from her. I can't say too much, but her new line of work is quite helpful to me, even if it means that she sits in the dark a lot and makes deals with shady people. I wasn't sure it was a good move for her personally, but people have to be free to make their own choices.

If you need anything, let me know and I'll put her in touch with you. She has lots of resources now and is willing to help fight the Reapers in any way that she can from her current spot.

Stay Safe,

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(The day of the Omega 4 Mission)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaidan,

All my loose ends are tied up and I've laid in a course for the Omega 4 relay. If this is the last message you ever get from me—I'm going down fighting and I have no regrets.

As for you, keep fighting. I'm not as irreplaceable as a lot of people think—I'm just willing to do the things that need to be done, whether or not they are fun. If I don't make it back, the galaxy is going to need good men like you more than ever.

I have a few hours before we make that jump. I'm going to blow off some steam and hang with some of my crew—calm their nerves and make thrilling speeches and such.

Hopefully not goodbye,

Rose Shepard

* * *

_(A few days after returning from the Omega 4 mission)_

To: Commander K. Alenko  
Alliance Military

From: Commander R. Shepard  
SR-2 Normandy  
Cerberus Group

Dear Kaidan,

I'm back in the galaxy, alive and well. You probably know that I started a big-ass war, but that's not why I'm messaging you.

I'm an honest person, and I have to honestly tell you that I don't feel the same way about you as I used to. I still admire you and even love you—that night on Ilium really did mean something to me—but what it meant is blurring as time passes and things change. And people change with them.

I lost friends on the other side of the Omega Relay and saw things that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life— I've finally accepted those two years I was gone as truly passed, and, with a lack of lustrous responses from you, have realized that maybe I was holding on to something that I shouldn't have—a relationship that just can't work.

And so, to keep you from hearing it from someone else first, I want to tell you that Garrus and I have become more than just friends and teammates. Our relationship is still new, but I hope that you can be happy for us. Please Kaidan, if you need anything you still only have to message me and I'll do what I can to help. I'm still on your side, and it's a dangerous galaxy out there.

Stay Safe out there,

Rose Shepard


End file.
